


All those good hearts

by isabellaofcastile



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M, oh my god this is the first fic i've published hELP
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-08
Updated: 2012-06-08
Packaged: 2017-11-07 06:11:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,882
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/427804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/isabellaofcastile/pseuds/isabellaofcastile
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A story in which Rose has unrequited feelings for John.</p>
            </blockquote>





	All those good hearts

"John's going out with another girl now. I'm sorry. I should have never told you that he liked you!"

 

You feel your face burn up. Not out of anger, but embarassment. You _knew_  that it was too good to be true. You _knew_  that he liked her. You _knew_  that it wasn't you he liked. It was just too preposterous of a thought. Who would even think of liking you? You made a total fool of yourself to...well...yourself. You were so hopeful. You had so many people tell you that he liked you and that you shouldn't doubt yourself, and you knew that you shouldn't have believed them because of where you are now. You knew this would happen. You _knew it._  You taptaptaptaptap away on your keyboard mindlessly for hours in an attempt to distract yourself. It didn't seem to work all too well.

It seemed like everything had a connection to him. Blue. Wind. Glasses. Dark hair. It's almost creepy how much reminds you of him and it's hard trying to change that. You turn off your computer, and decide that maybe a steaming hot shower would calm your nerves. Maybe get your mind off of this. Yeah. You run your hand under the water until it's to your liking, take your clothes off and step in. The water is hotter than you expected, but you can already see steam clouding up and you decide that you like this.

You scrub the bad day away with soap and scrub until you see that your skin is red. You can't see much because of the steam now. You shampoo your hair, and your mind keeps wandering. You hate when your mind wanders because it's becoming increasingly hard to pull it back in place. You get out of the shower and wrap a towel around your body and walk to your room. You stand in the mirror. Your hair is clumped together and your makeup isn't cleaned off completely. Your eyes are blood shot and the bags under your eyes are darker than usual. You bend over, wrap your hair in a towel, and curl up under a blanket. 

 

-

 

You're friends with his now girlfriend and that makes it worse. She came up to you today and said that she'd miss you over the summer, despite the large box of art projects you were holding. You said that you'd miss her too. She started talking about her and John and how Jade kept bothering them earlier that day. You look over at Jade right as his girlfriend is leaving and asks you if you're alright. You say no and walk to class. You grip your blanket tighter. She doesn't know how much you like him and you can't do anything about it. You can't and won't break them up. You want him to be happy at all costs, right? Right. It hurts so bad though. 

You've been working at developing an obvious friendship with him for months. You remember when you first built up the courage to even talk to him. You used up whatever courage you had saved up from at least 6th grade. You kept making up reasons not to do it, but something inside of you just screamed "DO IT" and...you did! You were so proud of yourself. That was...december? Maybe November. You don't remember. You remember when Dave pryed who you liked out of you. Then he paid John to sit with you at lunch. You were so livid, that you cleaned your entire room. That's not normal for you. Not at all. 

It was the last day of the semester, and you were watching a movie in class when you got a message that said "John likes somebody else." You weren't surprised, but at the same time, you wanted to break down and cry. But you couldn't. You were passing notes with Jade and she asked you what was wrong, you replied "John likes Vriska." She looked at you and asked if you were alright. You said yes, but you were lying. You remember getting home that day, nobody was home, and dropping your backpack on the ground along with your keys. They just fell off. You rested your head on a counter, and cried. You cried and cried and cried. You realized that you were crying on a counter because a boy doesn't like you. You felt pathetic and stopped crying. Everything after that is a blur. 

It's now marchish. You're washing your hands in the bathroom, when you get a message from Jade. "John likes Vriska. I asked him myself." You remember not replying to the message. Just sitting in your room wondering if this was even worth it. If you even wanted to be close with him. You don't remember anything after that. You probably cried. You do that a lot. You've monitored your behaivor more closely over the past months, and you've realized how sensitive you are. You take most anything personally, and have to remind yourself that you really shouldn't. It's not good. You want to tell your dear Mother that you've diagnosed yourself with several disorders that are controlling your life, but you don't want to. You're scared of being happy because you don't know if it'll be for long. You also don't want the chance of you becoming dependent on medication to become true. 

It's april. You've had more than a few conversations with John and they've made you smile more than you usually do. You remember sitting in your room and feeling really sad for no reason. You felt tears well up in your eyes and thought "No. I'm not going to cry." So you got up. You walk downstairs when you recieve the message, and you feel your face light up when you see who it's from. It just says Hi. That's it. It made you stupidly happy. A few days later, you let him borrow one of your books. You didn't get to the day you had wanted, you couldn't. The next day you did! He gave it back to you on the last day of school, a.k.a. today. 

He had complemented you on a few occasions. The time you remember specifically was when he said you voice sounded nice. It was a comforting thought. You would tell jokes and talk about your classes next year, and you'd maybe share a story. They weren't the most in depth conversations, but you still enjoyed them regardless. You wrote down a few, too. You remember him saying that he missed you at lunch once, that he thought you were interesting, and that you weren't obnoxious. But that doesn't matter now, does it? He's with Vriska. You. don't. matter.

-

You look over at your clock and see that it's about 1 a.m. and your music is still playing. 

_"..a firey throng of muted angels, giving love but getting nothing back.."_

You feel something tug at you throat and you're scared that you'll cry again. You know that crying is good, but you just don't want to. You can't see now. You feel a tear fall down you eye and over the bridge of your nose and you bit your lip in an attempt to not cry. That only aggrivated it. You felt big warm tears fall down your face onto your nose and lips and chin. 

_"..And if you're homesick, give me your hand and I'll hold it."_

You bury your face into the pillow and sob. Loud and long and painful. It hurts so bad. Your heart was going to burst. The stitches aren't helping and the glue isn't drying quick enough and the bandages aren't sticking and nobody cares. You crave a love so deep that the ocean would be jealous but all you can do is long for something like that. 

 _"..I'd be cold as a stone and rich as the fool that turned all those good hearts away."_  

Your heart hurts. You feel rolling in your chest, you can barely see out of your eyes, you feel pathetic. You're crying. You rub your eyes vigrously and curl up into a tighter ball. You're sitting in your bed, crying, at 1 a.m., naked. You feel something vibrate, which means you probably got a message. Probably Jade. You look at who it's from, and you don't believe what you're seeing. You read the four letter name next to "From:" over and over and you keep wiping your eyes. It's from John. What's he even doing up this late? 

"I noticed a small wad of paper in Jade's good bye letter, and I automatically knew it was from you. I'm sorry for hurting you. I didn't mean to, you know that." You don't know what to say. You don't want to say anything. You don't. You sit there until 1:45 when you get a call. From John. You pick it up and place the phone to your ear. Without saying a word, you can tell that he wants to tell you something. 

"I fucked it up, didn't I? I fucked up whatever friendship I seemed to make." You realize soon after that your voice is raspy and you hope that he doesn't think you've been crying. He won't think you've been crying.

"No. You didn't. Rose, I-"

"You're sorry. I know. You want to be with Vriska forever and ever and have her have your babies and die together and share a coffin." 

"Uh..no..that's the...opposite. I wanted to say that I like you too." You hang up. You want to punch yourself in the face soon after. Why did you hang up? WHY? You sit there pulling on your hair and not thinking for a second that you can call him back. Until he does just that. 

"I'm sorry!" You shout into the reciever. You hear him laugh before a moment of silence. 

"I guess I kind of liked you both. I just thought that you didn't like me and I was scared of talking to you so I just...asked Vriska out." 

"If she made you happy then you should have stayed with her. I'm sure she liked you too, or else she wouldn't have agreed to date you." 

"She didn't." You don't say anything.

"You were only with her for 2 days." 

"I know that." More silence.

"I'm going to sleep now." You say, about to hang up when you hear him tell you to wait. 

"Yes?" You ask him. 

"I thought I was making it obvious, but I want to be with you." You're silent.

"Do..you want to be...with me?" He asks 

"...Yes." 

"Oh." Even more silence. 

"...So does that mean we're..like...together.......now?"

"...I guess it does." You say followed by laughter from both sides. After a minute or so, the laughter subsides and you see that it's 2 a.m.

"I guess I'll go now." He says to you. 

"Me too."

"..Goodnight...I guess.."  You feel yourself smiling when you say goodnight back, and end the call. You hope that this happiness isn't just false hope. But for now, you'll ignore that. You fall asleep wondering with a smile on your face and love bursting out of your seams.

+

**Author's Note:**

> I kind of did this to get all this stuff out of my system that I've been trying to deal with lately. I guess part of this is true (It's obvious what parts are true and what parts I'm just fantasizing about.), I'm just personifying people I know in real life into homestuck characters so make of it what you'd like. 
> 
> I listened to this song while I wrote it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z75rscGben4&feature=related


End file.
